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Monday, October 30th, 2006
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i think everything is going to be okay.
i'm ready for november.
having casey here this weekend was the best thing ever.
my friends are beautiful.
there are a lot of things i need to do right now and i'm taking it one day at a time. i'm not spending an awful amount of time in my room and that helps.
the burnt leaves are making me smile.
it's going to be okay.
let's remind ourselves of that, yeah?
<3
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
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last night was the first time in a long time that i had fun:
fun being myself with a ton of people. being comfortable being myself with a ton of people and actually meeting a great lot.
it was pretty much amazing.
pre gaming with taylor, katy, diane, and philip with strongbo. meeting mike. getting hit on at the second pub and prompty refusing to give my number out...though i thought about giving katy's number because the kid was a cutie! at the third pub, meeting jess, kris, chaz, and mikey: all brits who go to u of sussex. apparently i look like i'm from brighton. jess and chaz asked me to a party this weekend with just their friends, but then hearing that all of us are going to paris, they decided they might jump the bus and go with us! i was myself with them and it was fantastic.
we danced for a full three hours at the club. the taxi ride home was priceless.
we are doing this more often.
on a bus to paris in twelve hours. i am psyched.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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this has been the year from hell. and no, i'm not making it any better by being this depressed lump of a heart. my entire soul, body, and mind are completely mush. all i want right now is to run away somewhere so i can get better. so now i'm pushing everyone away. now i'm pushing away the one person i just want to run away with. now i'm holding back the person i have to let go of. she's grown wings and i'm weighing her down.
i am not the same person mr. roney knew. i am not the same person i was last year. i literally have lost my determination to keep going and make it through because i have lost so much this year. i realize there are people with worse problems and worse lives and worse everything. i just wish it didn't feel like i was in this all alone. i know people are trying to reach me, but i feel like i'm just weighing them down. they have their own lives. i can't seem to get mine together.
admitting something like i did a couple weeks ago has got me in shambles. i had absolutely no right to bring that up and put it on her. she is not the bad guy. but i think i'm losing her when i really need her. i think that i'm pushing her away when all i want is for her to be here with me. i don't know what clicked with him. i don't know if i've ever gotten over the fact that it just "clicked". i feel abandoned and lost and just plain alone. i know this break is good, it's just something about me admitting something so huge and then falling apart and not having anyone to pick up the pieces--it's really got me gone. it's got me doing all the wrong things. thinking all the wrong things. and hurting me more than anything.
i blame myself for it all. maybe he was right in doing what he did. maybe now i won't hurt anyone.
maybe now i'm just numb to someone loving me as she does. because all my life i've felt like i don't deserve it. i fall at the wrong times and i admit things too late. the one time i let my wall fall, i break, and now that i've lost track of the pieces, i'm gone.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 30th, 2005
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it's my last night in the dc house--a house i only call home with mom and dad inside. it's my last night and i can't sleep. 4.5 hours i have to wake up to drive 9 hours. i'm just
lost.
this semester was hard.
i'm so sad right now.
you know, i used to call whatever house with mom, dad, cole, and casey a home. but that's changed now, hasn't it? that's changed.
you all know how well i deal with change.
i'm glad they're doing what they want to do. i'm glad it's london. but mom and i feel so lost. we feel so lost. and i hate that i won't be there to help her through this. she's a big girl, you say. i know. but we still feel lost when we grow up, right?
i thought so.
it's funny how we go along in life with different things, objects, songs, smells standing for certain memories. what if you use those objects over for something. is it just as good? is it just as meaningful? or do you feel used? old? ancient? second-hand? can i remember the last time i used this song for some other memory? yeah. does that change the meaning of the song for me?
i don't know.
it's just too complicated.
but now old friends are acting strange. they shake their heads, they say i've changed. well something's lost, but something's gained in living everyday. i've looked at life from both sides now. from win and lose and still somehow
it's life's
illusions
i recall.
i really don't know life at all.
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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
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hi! my name is: erica
five people
four pets
three cities
two continents
one family.
christmas is a bit weird this year. really weird. i think our minds are scattered. mom and dad are stressed with the move. cole is continuing to feel like she's not a part of this family...and that's hard. it's hard to know what to do. casey is here, but taking the change as she always does-inside and hiding. my heart and mind is with a girl in rhode island because she's become home to me. but we all get together and understand the change and try to go with it...without really admitting it. growing up sucks.
everything is different this year. i'm different.
talk about an understatement.
give me a call. i'll give you a hug.
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Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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i'm a lot better than before.
that was my second wake/funeral in my life. it isn't real yet. I've run away from my fears and now i'm left with nightmares. I need to call mom. she's crushed. it was hard. it was really hard. it's been a week and I'm just not whole yet. but i'm getting closer and closer. talk about short sentences.
thank you for being wonderful. let's stay this way. for a long, long time. please.
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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to my kenties: hugs. lots of hugs. my heart is with you.
just got back from seeing him. I had an hour alone with him. i did what mom said to do...i sang to him. he wasn't able to speak, but he kept asking for more. it was surreal.
so. enough is enough. i've gotten stronger on my own heart.
i want to be a hunter again
i want to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go.
i've gotten hurt. battered and bruised. but you've got your way of getting over us and perhaps it's too much to take for me right now, but enough is enough. go have fun. don't worry about me.
i have to get better by myself.
i'm tired of crying and hurting. i need to be strong.
and this strange season of pain will come to pass
when the healing hands of autumn cool me down.
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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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"you're the only one for me," she said.
"you're the one i want to spend the rest of my live with," she said.
"i love you more than anyone," she said.
"you're my favorite person in the world right now," she said.
"this is the best feeling in the world," she said.
"let's run away to montana," she said.
"i want to get better for us. i want to get better for me. i want us to be together," she said.
"nothing happened. everything's fine. it's not awkward," she said.
all lies.
broken words.
broken promises.
broken heart.
i'm trying so hard to keep myself together right now.
i thank my stars for alex and jess who picked my pieces up from the talbot floor last night, hugged me together, and called my mom. thank you, stars.
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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i'm pretty much not doing so hot right now. I have a paper to write, due at 1:00 tomorrow, which won't be hard...
except for the fact that i can't stop crying.
kathia just came in to do homework and she tried to give me hickie, and i pushed her off so upset with her and so angry and now i just can't stop crying. this isn't healthy and it isn't productive. I feel like going home and i just want to go back to the home that has been sleeping next to me for months, but i feel so lost. i can't find any right way home. all i want is to be happy and to be okay. i'm so exhausted and mentally charred that i'm just gone. i'm so gone. i can't even make a nice, simple sentence.
i want to go home.
i dream of december
all i remember
snow and tears pouring down on me.
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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
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tired.
exhausted.
i don't know what to do.
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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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it was beautiful, really.
i'm exhausted.
but it really was amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better autumn break.
Mr. and Mrs. Roney make me so happy.
Annie, Mark, and the boys make me so happy.
Robert and his map-gay-boy-quested directions make me so happy.
Rita is my new favorite mom.
Alan is my new favorite drunk.
Max is my least favorite dog.
picnics in the rain, rainbow puzzles, candles in our desserts, brian andreas, pit stops on the side of the highway, quiet times in bed with three sleeping boys, mom's bad moods, treasures, grilled cheese, mom's bed, puffy eyes, washing the dishes, playing gin with peach, getting drunk at open mic night, the pixies, driving home with my lush, the couch in the living room, apple pie, the thanksgiving possibility, your smile, your dimples, your sweetness, your morning voice, your "scary voice", scratching your nose, your morning hugs, your love for peach, your love for mom and dad, your love for wax that smells good...
"you're the strangest person I ever met," she said.
and I said, "you, too."
and we decided we'd know each other a long time.
i promise to give you a good 4th of july.
promise promise.
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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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and a month later...
it feels even better.
i fucking love autumn.
i love being in love in autumn.
autumn break next weekend...we're doing a tour of new england.
i heart kathia and alex. and college. and gia.
if i believed in a god then i would be saying that he has been good to me this autumn. with everything. even with my alcohol tolerance. Carlos night was a hit and it ended with my head on her pillow and it could not have been more perfect.
the healing hands of autumn cool me down....
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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finally in a place that truly feels like home...
and i am in love with her beyond belief.
that and smith is my true saving grace. even if i don't have a work-related reason to be here this early, i belong here. now. for a long, long time.
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Friday, August 26th, 2005
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home. home home home.
freakin.
i needed california.
more importantly, i needed alex.
i needed to meet her friends.
i needed to let go of what was making me sick.
and now my heart is there...stronger...fuller...better than ever.
woot! way to be like cole...."Erica...what are your passions? what do you love? what makes you BUH-REATHE!"....needed her, too.
off to buy maps for our roadtrip.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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surprisingly calm.
surprisingly confident.
surprisingly satisfied.
and robert: i promise that it'll get better. even if i have to do the casual hook-ups with you, i promise that it will happen. we'll be on the prowl together and the gay boys will come flocking, magnetically attracted to my breasts...just like you! and many others as well!
home tomorrow.
alex: she's a green sparkly fish.
me: jigga wha?
alex: a biting, green sparkly...or so i've heard.
me: we need to get you laid.
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Friday, August 19th, 2005
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it's official.
i'm feeling whole again...2 out of three united. only 9 days left.
alexandra has filled an empty space. thank the lord.
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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just had dinner with arianne and fam.
but my update is not about that.
new love.
a brand new love.
eisley.
simple love.
band: eisley
album: room noises
three girls. two boys. wonderously simple. non-complex.
i think amoeba records+haight street haircut+some charles trenet+something new in my heart=love for eisley.
just what i needed.
let's go far away to the humming meadow...
lost at sea....still.
floating soft.
I am dreaming and
i'm glad i'm lost.
and still...with my fingers
drawing circles in the water--in the water--and still,
still,
you were always there..........
till the stars fall
i will always love you.
all that's missing is katelyn's mix from july of 2000. the summer of katelyn and casey. i need that tape.
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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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spanks, cass. here yaaaaa goooooooooo
DIRECTIONS: List ten songs that you're currently digging. It doesn't matter what genre they're from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good. They must be songs that you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the ten songs and their artist(s), [and then tag five other random people to see what they're listening to.]
1. Ella Fitzgerald-"Mack the knife"
2. The Cure-"Just like Heaven"
3. Stevie Wonder-"Isn't she lovely?"
4. Supertramp-"Downstream" (mom and dad's 'song'...)
5. The Killers-"Change your mind"
6. Ed Harcourt-"Shanghai"
7. Guster-"barrel of a gun" (old favorite...mmm yummy album)
8. Thursday-"War all the time"
9. Otis Redding-"Show a little Tenderness" (reminds me of Kamille)
10. Ben Folds-"Landed"
tag-robert (make it be more than country), Em, and stacey (i want an update! miss you...)
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
mom and i just finished a bottle of champange to celebrate me being home for 16 hours! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
lil flushed.
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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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i just spent an hour with alec in my lap sleeping away and i could hardly move because i was so full of love for this little kid. he makes me so happy. Alanna calls me airreeka, Jonah has a crush on me, and zachary surprises me everyday with his sweetness.
i love this week.
i'm starting to feel useful.
isn't that progress?
we shall see.
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